i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
