It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Mom said you looked used
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
