He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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