Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
