We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
