"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
