dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
