They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
