I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
as a side note pls kill me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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