PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
