I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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