Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We need a shit load of segways right now
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
