I will die if light touches me.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
