the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
