WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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