someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
