Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
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I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
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I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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