My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
