I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You took a bar mat shot.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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