He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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