I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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