Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
