If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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