god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
