I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
