If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
