she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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