Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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