There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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