??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
