you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Someone came in the potted fern
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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