Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
