While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
