just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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