Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
