So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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