Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
