hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
