I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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