I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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