you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
