my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!