Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
