She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
