Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
