After last night, I could never be a politician.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
