We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
