i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
