I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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