I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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