$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
