just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
