For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
