Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
